You’ve got a great idea for a story, but it’s far too long. Cut it back to around 200 pages, the length of a standard mass-market paperback. Believe me, that’s the only way you’ll get a first novel published. Later, maybe, you can do a sequel.
First off, John, when I opened your book The Lord of the Rings, I had to wade through 20 pages of prologue before the story began. My advice is to delete all of it.
Your problems continue right at the opening of the first chapter.
When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in Hobbiton.
Show don’t tell. You should begin in the middle of the party, which goes on far too long. It even has characters that never return.
Re-write your dialogue. Make it crisp. Grab your reader with original, catchy sayings. Right now, it’s dated and heavy..For example this exchange between Gandalf and Bilbo, start by deleting ‘sternly’ and ‘obstinately,” along with all four exclamation marks. Then cut out the repetitions.
Gandalf stood up. He spoke sternly. ‘You will be a fool if you do, Bilbo,’ he said. ‘You make that clearer with every word you say. It has got far too much hold on you. Let it go! And then you can go yourself, and be free.’
‘I’ll do as I choose and go as I please,’ said Bilbo obstinately.
“Now, now, my dear hobbit! said Gandalf. ‘All your long life we have been friends, and you owe me something. Come! Do as you promised: give it up!’
Here’s how it should go:
“You’re hooked, Bilbo,” said Gandalf. “Admit it.”
“It’s mine, let me alone.”
“Hey, Bilbo. I’m your friend. Give it up.”
See how that works so much better? Simplify. Reduce descriptions that slow down the story. Here’s another example. You wrote:
The hobbits began to feel very hot. There were armies of flies of all kinds buzzing round their ears, and the afternoon sun was burning on their backs. At last they came suddenly into a thin shade; great grey branches reached across the path. Each step forward became more reluctant than the last. Sleepiness seemed to be creeping out of the ground and up their legs, and falling softly out of the air upon their heads and eyes.
Be brief. Write: ‘The hobbits are hot and sleepy.’”
John, you should consider one of the courses in story-writing that are available at most better universities, colleges and schools. Or if you don’t want to go back to school, there are books by established popular authors from whom you can learn technique: story arcs, plotting devices, character development and how to write a first paragraph that will catch the eye of an agent or publisher. They will give you story-writing rules that work, such as never write a prologue, avoid descriptions, show don’t tell, write short sentences, use active voice, delete all exclamation marks, adverbs and attributions other than “said.” and (this is one for you to think about, John,) if it looks like “literature” , delete it.
I took the time to give you some hints about how you should revise LOTR because I think it has promise. For the fuller, page-by-page edit your story needs, I refer you to our standard contract and rates at HelpAWriter.com
You might think of using your first name, John. All those initials are a bit pretentious, don’t you think? Like, you’re only at college, right? Not a real university.